I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
