At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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