I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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