After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
its liver damage thursday
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
