After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
