life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
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