he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
