Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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