pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
