What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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