i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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