can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
