I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
