i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
