I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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