So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
