why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
