i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
