My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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