I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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