I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
two words...techno handjob
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
