plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
