He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
