how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize