I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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