Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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