My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
