I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
