Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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