I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
