I will die if light touches me.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
