in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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