I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
