You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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