oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
