I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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