just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
