her vagina looked like bernie madoff
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
