If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
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Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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