oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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