i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He shit in the fireplace
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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