I think i sorta joined a cult last night
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
