it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
