Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
