You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
