I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
