Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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