It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
