Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
