If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
