cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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