I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
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Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
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You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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