Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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