Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
